When you’re as beautiful, awesome, and fabulous as I am often times people will ask “how are you so amazing?” Well sinners today is your lucky day because as a member of this planet it is my civic duty to help better my peers, so out of the kindness of my heart I’m divulging my “hevanly” secrets. A guide book if you will on how to be hEVANLY.
- Never Run for the Bus: It is my personal belief that public transit is God’s own form of unholy punishment for mankind’s sins-thanks Eve- and such should never be used. But alas due to certain circumstances we cannot always rely on limo service-well some of us can’t at least. So if you’re forced to ride the ghastly bus don’t fret you’re not alone. And although riding the bus may be forgiven running for it is certainly not. No one looks good running after a bus and chasing it is quite pathetic. You look like an idiot as you’re sprinting, arms flailing after a bus that will probably not even stop for you. And even if for some reason you stop said bus you still have the embarrassing task of riding it full of people who were undoubtedly laughing at your pursuit. And while running is forbidden, you may however briskly walk or even power walk after a bus, but after your arms start pumping and sweat starts forming you’re officially a loser. So always remember it’s better to miss the bus and look cool than chase it and look like an idiot.
- Never Use Public Bathrooms: Public bathrooms are the epitome of disgusting. Unflushed toilets, toilet paper tippied around the room, and liquid substances on the floor, believe me public washrooms are a place you don’t want to be. So here’s an idea, always go to the bathroom before you leave home and don’t put yourself in the situation, trust me you’ll thank me later. And plus everyone knows public bathrooms are good for only 2 things: washing your hands and checking yourself out in the mirror. Duh!
- Always Dress to Impress: looks may be everything but looking good is the only thing. Unlike me, some of us can’t rely on solely our beauty and must turn to fashion and cosmetics to look good. Don’t worry there’s nothing wrong with a help. But always remember to never leave the house looking like crap. I don’t care if you’re going to the grocery store on laundry day or going for a jog, ALWAYS LOOK YOUR BEST. Comb your hair, apply that moisturizer, and wear that pair of skinny jeans. You never know when you’ll run into that cute boy from H&M.
- Strut like you Mean it: ugly boring people walk, fabulous people strut. Everyone where you go you have to strut like you own the place. If you’re at school: Strut. The mall: Strut. Walking down the cosmetic aisle at Shoppers Drug Mart, bitch you better hold your head high and strut like Naomi Campbell at fashion week. Yes, you may look like a stuck up bitch, but you’ll be a stuck up bitch that exuberates confidence and rolls heads. Remember: the world is my runway.
- Never Leave the House Without ChapStick: So all us have our addictions; porn, chrystal meth, china dolls whatever. Mine maybe ChapStick. Yes that’s right I’m addicted to those small delectable tubes of glorified Vaseline. I make sure I apply a layer of lip balm everyday before I leave the house, and multiple layers throughout. I mean who wants chapped, crusty lips? Not me. Personally I use cherry ChapStick like the song “I kissed a girl” in hopes that one day someone will like the taste of my cherry ChapStick. But the flavour is irrelevant as long as that magnificent tube works its magic and transforms boring chapped cracked lips into luscious, glossy, kissable ones.
So it turns out there’s much more to being hEVANly than I thought and I’m turning this post into an ongoing one. So to receive the full guide to being hEVANly you’ll just have to visit again
Stay sinful,
XOXO
hEVANLY
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